The Not First Day of School

Yesterday was the first time in 30 years that I did not go to school excited about what the new year might hold for my students and myself. In fact, I did not go at all. That is because yesterday was the first day of school that I missed due to my retirement from education. In fact, I am unemployed for the first time in 40 years.

I thought yesterday morning would be a melancholy experience. It wasn't what it could have been, or maybe what it should have been. I didn't wake up until the time I would usually be going to work. After starting the morning coffee, I turned on the computer to check email and look at news headlines, the weather, Facebook, radio message boards, etc. This is the same thing I have been doing every morning since May 27, so the new routine may have softened the blow of missing my first day of school just a little. The next time I looked at the clock and remembered school again, it was 8:10. School, and a new year, was in session.

I thought it might be nice to wish everyone well with their new school year, and I did so on Facebook. Most of my Facebook friends enjoyed my bit of well-wishing, and a couple even mentioned that they missed me. For me, that was a good thing because it reminded me of what happens in the course of 30 years. You build a lot of connections and friendships when you work at the same place for a long time. You are certainly richer for those experiences.

Last year I made a list of the things I would miss, and a list of things I would be thankful to leave behind. The "Good List" was considerably shorter than its negative counterpart. At first glance, it seems like I made a great decision to pull the plug on my teaching career. After all, it looked like the bad far outweighed the good. On further examination though, my "Bad List" was mostly petty annoyances, along with the myriad of requirements that politicians place as obstacles to effective and joyful teaching, allegedly done in the name of school/teacher accountability.

The positive list, while shorter, had the depth and breadth of what it really means to teach. It contained things like students who loved learning, who understood, who really "got it" and made the connections and loved what they were doing. On the list was the class I looked forward to everyday - high school band. I could not have asked for a better group of young musicians. More importantly, I had the honor of working with such a fine group of young people, a fine group of just plain wonderful human beings. I miss them, and I wish them all the best life that life has to offer.

Then there are the colleagues I worked with for years and years. I watched their kids grow up, go to college, become successful adults and parents. We have been through good times together and through some rough times together. They are friends of the first division.

School started without me yesterday. The school year will go on like it always does and be a great school year. It will be one that everyone will remember for one reason or another. Likewise, it will be a memorable one for me. New experiences are in store, and likely some exciting new opportunities. Still, I miss the "Good List."

Aliens are Invading My Television!

The wife and I enjoy summer TV shows. America's Got Talent is a favorite, as is Penn & Teller's Fool Us on the CW. Both feature amazing acts that you won't see anywhere else, and some have even overlapped. Bizarre British comedic magician Piff the Magic Dragon was on Fool Us last season, and is now a finalist on the current season of America's Got Talent.  Who would have guessed?

Besides watching talented people plying their trade on a national stage, we are left the rest of the time with aliens. Yes, those invaders from outer space are alive and well, quite plentiful, and seeking to conquer the world as space aliens are wont to do. Some you can see, and some you can't. Some only children can see. A few of these series are TV programs the wife and I have endured for multiple summers. We pray those shows end soon, even if it means the inhalation of our planet to achieve that end. If you are a fan of these shows, please enjoy my take on them. If you are fortunate enough to have never seen them, you will find out what you are not missing. Here goes....


The Whispers

This is my favorite show of this ilk. An electrically-based alien life form is visiting Earth in hopes of making it a new home world. Why? Their planet is dying, of course. Why bother asking? The alien life form (singular if his buddies don't get his phone call home) goes by the name Drill and only talks to kids. Drill talks to kids that have parents with national security clearance, and manipulates the kids to do terrible things to achieve his goal of conquering the world. As a former teacher, I like the premise of an alien that only children can communicate with, and travels through electrical and electronic devices (turn off that cell phone - now)! There is also a little bit of hanky-panky background between some of the adult characters - who all have national security clearance, naturally. Not the only invisible critters in the 2015 summer sci-fi pack, but a fresher take than most of summer's other space invaders.



Under the Dome

When I hear the term "jumping the shark," Under the Dome instantly comes to mind. What was originally intended to be a one-summer miniseries is now in its third mind-numbing season. It is like that family member who comes to visit, and you love to see them for the first few days, but they just won't leave. Under the Dome has definitely overstayed its welcome. This show has a bit of literary clout, with Stephen King penning the novel that this show is based on. While King's other short stories have been made in to movies lasting much longer than it would take to read through several times, making three seasons of hour-long episodes out of one novel is just plain immoral. In the show, the fine and not-so-fine folks of Chester's Mill are trapped beneath an invisible dome that cannot be penetrated. We don't find out why until season three. Season one developed the characters. In season two, a few of the principal characters found ways out of the dome, and then different ways back in again. In season three, we have new formerly-human characters who take over the town, put the citizens in pods inside caves beneath the town, and that experience transforms the townsfolk into mindless members of "the kinship." Actually, it seems most likely that the writers painted themselves into a corner last year, and shark jumping was required to created the ludicrous fiasco that is season three. The good news here is that ratings are at an all-time low, so there is hope that this abomination will end soon. The wife and I have to see it through to the bitter end since we have invested so much time in the show to get to this ridiculous point. I could kiss the feet of the person who invented DVRs for making commercial skipping possible, which makes this hour show into 43 minutes of agony. Oh - I forgot to mention: season three revealed that the dome and the glowing egg that created it were the result of aliens looking for another planet. Again, who would have guessed?


Extant

This program features another invisible alien, though this one is a viral life form that can impregnate women. Gestation time is remarkably short, and the fast-growing hybrid children have the power to manipulate humans. They supposedly need a new home world since theirs was destroyed (where have I heard that one before)?  Unfortunately for those hybrids, the corrupt government has taken benign synthetic people called humanics and turned them into soldiers. Halle Berry makes this show watchable, and the government double-dealings make it interesting. Now in its second season, I'm hoping they wrap this one up before it all goes south.



Falling Skies

Evil aliens invade and kill lots of people. Actually, they kill the majority of Earth's population. Those that are left fight back as loosely organized militias. Other aliens come to help, but not too much. This show is in its fifth and fortunately, its final season. Bad guy aliens include tall, thin critters called overlords. They are soft and easily killed, but rule their armies telepathically. The soldiers are things called skitters. Skitters were once other life forms that were enslaved and transformed into six-legged hard-shell soldiers by the Espheni overlords. The protagonists in Falling Skies have been infected by alien eye worms, harnessed by spinal implants, kidnapped by overlords, converted to alien hybrids... well, you get the picture. This show jumped the shark a couple of season ago, but we still watch because it is hard to look away. You know, you drive past an accident scene and look even though you know no good will come of it, and you feel bad for the people involved after you do look. I like Noah Wyle as an actor, but he is clearly just showing up for a paycheck, because this thing is going nowhere. What else can he so? At times I find myself cheering for the aliens!  Dicey writing makes each episode plod along for the most part, and this thing would be unwatchable if we couldn't shorten the misery by zipping through the commercials with the DVR. I don't care who wins the final battle - I'm just thankful it is ending!

The State of the Fair Address

Our state fair is a great state fair,

Don’t miss it, don’t even be late!

It’s dollars to doughnuts that our state fair

Is the best state fair in our state!

- Oscar Hammerstein II from the musical “State Fair”

For the first time in at least 20 years, the wife and I ventured to the capital of Buckeye Nation to take in the sights and sounds of the Ohio State Fair. I have a student – er, former student – in the All Ohio State Fair Youth Choir. It’s hard to get used to this retirement thing. These students are no longer MY students: they are my former students. Our motivation to go to the state fair was to hear the AOSFYC perform, but since we couldn’t remember much about the last time we went to the fair, making wonderful new memories this year seemed like a great idea.

Getting to the fair was pretty easy, despite the usual road construction projects. This year’s orange barrel season in the Greater Columbus area held more than its usual batch of obstacles, since many were in our path of travel. Coming home from the fair was much more of a challenge, with traffic on I-270 coming to a complete stop numerous times. We decided this was caused by morons going as far as possible before suddenly forcing their way into the next lane when their lane was nearing an end. This moronic maneuver causes everyone behind the moron to slam on brakes to avoid an accident. That eventually leads to brief but complete stoppages for those far behind the actual moronic incident. Sorry if I offend any morons reading this, especially since numerous signs miles prior to the end of a lane clearly indicates what is going to happen. But I digress….

What a magical place the Ohio State Fair is! After being guided to a parking spot waaaay out in Timbuktu, we decided to wait for one of the free shuttles to take us to the gates of the fair. Perhaps the word shuttle brings up images of a small bus, or maybe a space ship. At the Ohio State Fair, a shuttle is a train of two wooden “people wagons” pulled by a John Deere tractor. I think they were aiming for a hayride feel here to fit in with the general ag vibe of a fair, but they missed the mark. There is no hay. Instead, there are narrow benches facing each other in rows. You had best not be claustrophobic, because you are going to be rubbing knees with strangers across from you if you are older than seven. They also make sure the wagons are full before departing for the gate. The folks running these shuttles communicate using police whistles, reminding me of band directors. The wagons lurch forward with a jerk, throwing you into the person next to you. But, hey - the ladies in charge of passenger loading/unloading were very nice, and that goes a long way in making one overlook any shortcomings. Plus, it sure beat walking. There is plenty of that once you enter the gate.

Most county fairs and similar events use volunteers or hire some folks at minimum wage to guide visitors into parking spots. Not the Ohio State Fair. A team of genuine Ohio State Highway Patrol officers guides your vehicle to its designated parking spot. Since the Highway Patrol Academy is right next door and OSP Headquarters is in Columbus, lots of troopers are available to patrol the grounds. It does make the fairgrounds seem safer.

The fairground itself is pretty large, and you do a lot of walking. I brought my pedometer and logged nearly 16,000 steps at the fair. This equaled over five miles of walking. This was a good test for the wife’s new knees, with both having been replaced over the past few years. She survived the ordeal intact. The morning after our fair excursion, her calf muscles ached, but the knees still functioned. This is a testament to joint replacement and modern medical science!

I was surprised at how commercial the fair was. I fully expected a lot of food vendors. While you had to look for most of the animal events, the commercial interests smacked you right in the kisser! Besides more “fair food” vendors than you could shake the proverbial stick at, there were merchants everywhere. Folks were selling mattresses and hot tubs on the midway. Personally, I doubt many new mattresses or hot tubs are sold from a midway tent, but I could be wrong. It also appeared that there was a DirecTV booth located every 15 feet. The commercial building had multiple DirecTV information stations. None had any TVs actually demonstrating a DirecTV channel that we noticed, and I didn’t see any functioning DirecTV dishes used. It might have been a nice touch.

The commercial building – known as the Bricker MarketPlace -  was like an infomercial on steroids. A live cooking show demonstrated the finest pots and pans money could buy. If you act now, you’ll receive a free juicer with your purchase. Plus, this cookware has a lifetime guarantee – if you can track us down and figure out how to get warranty service. Most of the folks viewing this show just wanted to sit down for a while in an air conditioned environment, and would have been just as comfortable watching a demonstration on how to make garage sale bed sheets into a hang glider. 

I could have had my ring cleaned free multiple times, but I settled for one miracle shine. If you needed it cleaned, you could have found the perfect cleaner for it in the Bricker MarketPlace building. Picture in your mind the stereotypical carnival game barkers. Now, imagine sales people doing the exact same thing. “Step right up and buy the little lady a set of gen-u-ine gutter screens. Consumer Reports says ours are better than the other seven imitators peddling their wares here in this building!” “Come right in and try our NEW and IMPROVED super-d-duper reclining massage chair!” “What’s your cell bill? C’mon, WHAT’S your CELL BILL!?” As a sort of ironic twist, many of Ohio’s official departments had information booths in the same building. Their personnel were very quietly minding their own business, but were more than happy to talk to fairgoers when approached. Being a radio aficionado, I was disappointed to find that the data terminals and MARCS radios were removed from every Highway Patrol vehicle displayed on the fairgrounds. Must be top secret stuff, huh?

The Ohio State Fair had a couple of bulk food vendors, with both featuring nostalgic candies from baby-boomers’ childhoods. People in motorized wheelchairs grabbing handfuls of Pixie Stix, tiny wax bottles filled with colored syrup, and chocolate Necco wafers made it difficult for the rest of us boomers to get around in there. In the end, we exited victorious with our $21 worth of palatable nostalgia held high like the cherished memory-trophy that it was. Victory really IS sweet!

Fair food is magic in and of itself. If it can be deep fried, it is available there – for a cost. As expected, most of the prices for fair food from the various vendors were pretty salty. Some weren’t so bad, like five deep-fried buckeyes for five dollars. I’ll admit that I was tempted – until the wife reminded us that we would be dining at one of our favorite restaurants on the return trip, and if I wanted a hot fudge ice cream cake for dessert then I had just better not get those buckeyes! Thanks for bringing me back to my senses, dear.

At fairs in our neck of the woods, french fry booths are quite popular. The state fair had dozens of these potato vendors, and since they were among the most cost-effective snacks around, we bought two small cups of fries and a bottle of water to share for the remarkably low price of just nine dollars. The fries were not as good as our local fairs, mainly due to lack of crispness and absence of any salt. No salt? Really? Since when did fried potatoes at a fair become health food? Spraying on vinegar helped, but we always did that with fair fries and these fries just weren’t as good as what we get at hometown fairs. The vendor did fill up the cups to overflowing with fries, so it was one of the food bargains on the midway.

I experienced a first at the Ohio State Fair this year. The wife and I saw an equestrian event. This was the first time I had witnessed something like this live, and it appeared to be a dressage event. The horses were beautiful, and the riders were confident and dressed to the nines. While most were in awe of horse and rider, I was often focused on the gentlemen playing a constant organ and synthesizer accompaniment to the festivities. Each perfect note perfectly fit with what was going on in the show ring. I was playing “Name That Tune” in my mind, without being able to actually answer, or win prizes for that matter. Plus, the guy was winging it, playing each song by ear! He played whatever pop song from 1965-1990 that seemed appropriate at the moment. It was beautiful!

The All-Ohio State Fair Youth Choir and the All-Ohio State Fair Band were excellent. In fact, all of the entertainment we ran into was very good. One of my favorites was a group called Matt’s Family Jam. They were a family rock band with dad on bass, mom on sax, little brother on drums, sis on mandolin and keys, and big brother on guitar. Each was very proficient on his or her instrument(s) of choice, and they played that brand of rock and roll and everyone loves. It was the first time I heard a rock band with a mandolin player. You can find out more about them at http://mattsfamilyjam.com/

 I could go on, but most of you are thinking, “Please – stop already!” So my final thought is that you should visit the Ohio State Fair if you have the opportunity. It will be memorable!