Ah, push it - push it good
- "Push
It" by Salt-N-Pepa
DUE TO GRAPHIC CONTENT, READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. SORT OF.
I had a prostate biopsy
yesterday.
First, I must say that you
really shouldn’t believe everything you read on the internet. I was so
apprehensive about this procedure based on the horror stories I read online
that I was nearly shaking by the time of my appointment. It sounded like everything that could go wrong, routinely does go wrong. In reality, it is more like
consumer reviews of a product or store. You see a few positive ones, but many buyers
had a bad experience and they want the entire world to know!
I am pleased to report that
my experience was not nearly as bad as what I read. Don’t get me wrong. It was
unpleasant. It just wasn’t as nightmare-worthy as I came to expect. In fact, it
was just another routine medical procedure.
I had to drive 45 minutes to Fort Wayne, Indiana
for this adventure. I felt as if I was driving myself to the laboratory of the
Marquis de Sade. Actually, I really like my urologist. I have been visiting him
for many years due to benign prostatic hyperplasia, also know as BPH. Some guys’
prostates enlarge as they age, causing a reduced urine stream. Like me, most of those men take medicine daily to help them pee better.
When my wife and I arrive, we
waited for about 20 minutes before a nurse called me to “come on down.” I am surprised to learn that my wife is
allowed into the crime scene... I mean, exam room. I think she enjoyed the whole procedure,
actually. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
The attractive young nurse who called me back explains everything that will soon occur, usually occurs afterward, and has me sign a
paper saying that I’ve been warned that other things could also occur if things go
awry. She then tells me to strip from the waist down.
I did not hesitate. Some guys
might have been uncomfortable in this situation. Usually, I would have been uncomfortable
in this situation! Please remember, I am currently terrified, so normal
reactions are off the table. I meekly comply, hoping that she is not simply the painful opening
act.
The young nurse then asks me
to bend over and grab the exam table. What? She then explained that she was
giving me two shots of antibiotic, one in each side of my posterior. OUCH! This
was not starting out well. Merciful Heavens, she IS the painful opening act!
After positioning me on the
table with my butt hanging off the right side, the nurse went and fetched the
doctor. The doctor comes in, makes some small talk, and goes to work. Here we go….
He told me that I was about
to experience the worst part as he inserted the medical appliance. I cannot think
of anything else to call it. Now, in the
letter they send prior to this event, they tell you that the ultrasound/biopsy tool is the size of
a finger. They obviously mean the Jolly Green Giant’s finger. As he rudely inserted the
device “where the sun don’t shine,” my wife noted that my eyes widened and my
jaw opened in a gaping “Oh!” Needless to say, it was NOT a pleasant experience! However, as
my urologist mentioned, this was the worst part of the procedure.
My urologist kept me apprised
of everything that he was doing, and what to expect. A slight pin prick was
felt as local anesthetic was injected into my prostate. He mentioned that after
five samples, most patients have pretty much had it. His plan was to take 12
samples of my prostate for pathology. Hurray.
He warned me that he was
ready to capture the first sample. A click indicated that a needle had been
injected into my prostate at a location selected from the ultrasound view of my
gland. Happily, I felt nothing! I even asked the doctor if he was successful in
removing a core. He looked to the nurse who was placing my innards into a specimen
container, and she acknowledged that indeed a little piece of me was now in her
hands, and it sure wasn't my heart!
The dread vanished. This was
NOTHING! Five more followed in identical
painless fashion. However, when he started taking samples from the other side
of the prostate, I felt a small pressure each time. Not pain, but simply
pressure. He explained that this was normal. It was no biggie for me – still a
cakewalk.
Soon I was done. The doctor
congratulated me on how well I did. He did not give me a lollipop though. Hey,
a shot of single malt Scotch seemed appropriate, but I didn’t get that either. He
left the room, as the nurse swabbed my behind several times with baby wipes. This
was a strange situation, but I guess it was no stranger than the rest of this process. I then got dressed, thanked the young lady, and my wife and I beat a
hasty retreat.
We then went to Steak ‘n’
Shake for a late lunch. We love Steak 'n' Shake!
Most men experience blood in
the urine and stool for several days following a prostate biopsy. I had
neither. Wahoo! I am a little ouchy, buy nothing major.
I am now awaiting the results
of the biopsy. Most find this to be the worst part. Do I have cancer? Am I out
of the woods? Sure I want to know. But really, I just wanted to get through the biopsy procedure!
