The State of the Fair Address

Our state fair is a great state fair,

Don’t miss it, don’t even be late!

It’s dollars to doughnuts that our state fair

Is the best state fair in our state!

- Oscar Hammerstein II from the musical “State Fair”

For the first time in at least 20 years, the wife and I ventured to the capital of Buckeye Nation to take in the sights and sounds of the Ohio State Fair. I have a student – er, former student – in the All Ohio State Fair Youth Choir. It’s hard to get used to this retirement thing. These students are no longer MY students: they are my former students. Our motivation to go to the state fair was to hear the AOSFYC perform, but since we couldn’t remember much about the last time we went to the fair, making wonderful new memories this year seemed like a great idea.

Getting to the fair was pretty easy, despite the usual road construction projects. This year’s orange barrel season in the Greater Columbus area held more than its usual batch of obstacles, since many were in our path of travel. Coming home from the fair was much more of a challenge, with traffic on I-270 coming to a complete stop numerous times. We decided this was caused by morons going as far as possible before suddenly forcing their way into the next lane when their lane was nearing an end. This moronic maneuver causes everyone behind the moron to slam on brakes to avoid an accident. That eventually leads to brief but complete stoppages for those far behind the actual moronic incident. Sorry if I offend any morons reading this, especially since numerous signs miles prior to the end of a lane clearly indicates what is going to happen. But I digress….

What a magical place the Ohio State Fair is! After being guided to a parking spot waaaay out in Timbuktu, we decided to wait for one of the free shuttles to take us to the gates of the fair. Perhaps the word shuttle brings up images of a small bus, or maybe a space ship. At the Ohio State Fair, a shuttle is a train of two wooden “people wagons” pulled by a John Deere tractor. I think they were aiming for a hayride feel here to fit in with the general ag vibe of a fair, but they missed the mark. There is no hay. Instead, there are narrow benches facing each other in rows. You had best not be claustrophobic, because you are going to be rubbing knees with strangers across from you if you are older than seven. They also make sure the wagons are full before departing for the gate. The folks running these shuttles communicate using police whistles, reminding me of band directors. The wagons lurch forward with a jerk, throwing you into the person next to you. But, hey - the ladies in charge of passenger loading/unloading were very nice, and that goes a long way in making one overlook any shortcomings. Plus, it sure beat walking. There is plenty of that once you enter the gate.

Most county fairs and similar events use volunteers or hire some folks at minimum wage to guide visitors into parking spots. Not the Ohio State Fair. A team of genuine Ohio State Highway Patrol officers guides your vehicle to its designated parking spot. Since the Highway Patrol Academy is right next door and OSP Headquarters is in Columbus, lots of troopers are available to patrol the grounds. It does make the fairgrounds seem safer.

The fairground itself is pretty large, and you do a lot of walking. I brought my pedometer and logged nearly 16,000 steps at the fair. This equaled over five miles of walking. This was a good test for the wife’s new knees, with both having been replaced over the past few years. She survived the ordeal intact. The morning after our fair excursion, her calf muscles ached, but the knees still functioned. This is a testament to joint replacement and modern medical science!

I was surprised at how commercial the fair was. I fully expected a lot of food vendors. While you had to look for most of the animal events, the commercial interests smacked you right in the kisser! Besides more “fair food” vendors than you could shake the proverbial stick at, there were merchants everywhere. Folks were selling mattresses and hot tubs on the midway. Personally, I doubt many new mattresses or hot tubs are sold from a midway tent, but I could be wrong. It also appeared that there was a DirecTV booth located every 15 feet. The commercial building had multiple DirecTV information stations. None had any TVs actually demonstrating a DirecTV channel that we noticed, and I didn’t see any functioning DirecTV dishes used. It might have been a nice touch.

The commercial building – known as the Bricker MarketPlace -  was like an infomercial on steroids. A live cooking show demonstrated the finest pots and pans money could buy. If you act now, you’ll receive a free juicer with your purchase. Plus, this cookware has a lifetime guarantee – if you can track us down and figure out how to get warranty service. Most of the folks viewing this show just wanted to sit down for a while in an air conditioned environment, and would have been just as comfortable watching a demonstration on how to make garage sale bed sheets into a hang glider. 

I could have had my ring cleaned free multiple times, but I settled for one miracle shine. If you needed it cleaned, you could have found the perfect cleaner for it in the Bricker MarketPlace building. Picture in your mind the stereotypical carnival game barkers. Now, imagine sales people doing the exact same thing. “Step right up and buy the little lady a set of gen-u-ine gutter screens. Consumer Reports says ours are better than the other seven imitators peddling their wares here in this building!” “Come right in and try our NEW and IMPROVED super-d-duper reclining massage chair!” “What’s your cell bill? C’mon, WHAT’S your CELL BILL!?” As a sort of ironic twist, many of Ohio’s official departments had information booths in the same building. Their personnel were very quietly minding their own business, but were more than happy to talk to fairgoers when approached. Being a radio aficionado, I was disappointed to find that the data terminals and MARCS radios were removed from every Highway Patrol vehicle displayed on the fairgrounds. Must be top secret stuff, huh?

The Ohio State Fair had a couple of bulk food vendors, with both featuring nostalgic candies from baby-boomers’ childhoods. People in motorized wheelchairs grabbing handfuls of Pixie Stix, tiny wax bottles filled with colored syrup, and chocolate Necco wafers made it difficult for the rest of us boomers to get around in there. In the end, we exited victorious with our $21 worth of palatable nostalgia held high like the cherished memory-trophy that it was. Victory really IS sweet!

Fair food is magic in and of itself. If it can be deep fried, it is available there – for a cost. As expected, most of the prices for fair food from the various vendors were pretty salty. Some weren’t so bad, like five deep-fried buckeyes for five dollars. I’ll admit that I was tempted – until the wife reminded us that we would be dining at one of our favorite restaurants on the return trip, and if I wanted a hot fudge ice cream cake for dessert then I had just better not get those buckeyes! Thanks for bringing me back to my senses, dear.

At fairs in our neck of the woods, french fry booths are quite popular. The state fair had dozens of these potato vendors, and since they were among the most cost-effective snacks around, we bought two small cups of fries and a bottle of water to share for the remarkably low price of just nine dollars. The fries were not as good as our local fairs, mainly due to lack of crispness and absence of any salt. No salt? Really? Since when did fried potatoes at a fair become health food? Spraying on vinegar helped, but we always did that with fair fries and these fries just weren’t as good as what we get at hometown fairs. The vendor did fill up the cups to overflowing with fries, so it was one of the food bargains on the midway.

I experienced a first at the Ohio State Fair this year. The wife and I saw an equestrian event. This was the first time I had witnessed something like this live, and it appeared to be a dressage event. The horses were beautiful, and the riders were confident and dressed to the nines. While most were in awe of horse and rider, I was often focused on the gentlemen playing a constant organ and synthesizer accompaniment to the festivities. Each perfect note perfectly fit with what was going on in the show ring. I was playing “Name That Tune” in my mind, without being able to actually answer, or win prizes for that matter. Plus, the guy was winging it, playing each song by ear! He played whatever pop song from 1965-1990 that seemed appropriate at the moment. It was beautiful!

The All-Ohio State Fair Youth Choir and the All-Ohio State Fair Band were excellent. In fact, all of the entertainment we ran into was very good. One of my favorites was a group called Matt’s Family Jam. They were a family rock band with dad on bass, mom on sax, little brother on drums, sis on mandolin and keys, and big brother on guitar. Each was very proficient on his or her instrument(s) of choice, and they played that brand of rock and roll and everyone loves. It was the first time I heard a rock band with a mandolin player. You can find out more about them at http://mattsfamilyjam.com/

 I could go on, but most of you are thinking, “Please – stop already!” So my final thought is that you should visit the Ohio State Fair if you have the opportunity. It will be memorable!