Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Last month, I had one of those milestone birthdays. I turned the Big Six-0.

Now, other birthdays had a lot of meaning. Thirty brought the realization that while I wasn’t a kid anymore, I was still young enough to enjoy life and wise enough not to make too may stupid mistakes. Forty was more memorable due to the understanding that I wasn’t that young anymore, though mistakes were clearly still on the table.

Fifty really wasn’t so bad. In fact, even though I was half a century old, turning fifty was kind of “meh” at best. Yeah, yeah, I was older still, but I didn’t care about the same things that the younger me did anymore. I was looking forward to retirement rather than looking forward to work. Going to bed at ten o’clock or earlier brought no shame. I was okay with all of this.

Then came sixty. Sixty is just a number. Yeah, right. Since my dad died when he was 62, the reality of mortality jumped up and said, “Look at me! Look at me!” It was a birthday that inspired deep thought rather than celebration.

I had come to terms with being sixty. Still, there were disappointments. Neither the wife nor I received our Golden Buckeye cards the month of our respective 60^th birthdays as the Ohio Department of Aging claimed we would. They said that through their partnership with the Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles, we would automatically receive them. Hah! Happy Lyin’ Birthday, sucker! No Golden Buckeye for you – or you! We get notices to renew our plates two months in advance, but can’t get our promised Golden Buckeye card? Must be corruption at the state level. Maybe I should get the attorney general involved….

We had to visit the local Council on Aging to apply in person for a Golden Buckeye card, proudly displaying our driver’s licenses to get our application approved. The lady at the COA said she would fax in our applications, and we should receive our cards in six to eight weeks. For me, the card is more symbolic than anything. If I am eligible for something because I am 60, I am going to take advantage of it. Discount at our favorite Chinese restaurant? You bet! Free coffee at a fast food joint? Bring it on!

I have grown to accept being sixty. My hair has been turning gray for more than a couple of years, and I was okay with that, too. I had come to grips with sixty, until last night. Last night changed everything.

Last night, I got a major shock, and it came as a result of a Lions Club meeting. I take photos for our club’s Facebook page at every meeting, and last night was no exception. Last night was my final meeting serving in the capacity of club president. We had our scholarship winners and their parents as guests, and since we were inducting four new members and installing a new slate of officers, the vice district governor and her husband, a former district governor, were in attendance. The former DG took photos for the Ohio Lions District Facebook page, and since I was at the head table I appeared in several of them. I suppose head table is more accurate than I realized.

For the very first time, I discovered that I was losing hair on the top of my head! It was getting quite thin up there. Now, I had noticed my hair getting a tiny bit thinner in the front, but it was not too extreme. I should have known what I was seeing was a portent of something more ominous, a warning sign of something more sinister.

No one in my family lost hair! No men, no women, no children, either side. Why was this happening to me? Was this some recessive gene from some distant relative eight generations back? Wasn’t turning sixty punishment enough? Oh, the humanity!

As we both looked at the photo, I turned to my wife and asked, “Didn’t you notice that I was losing hair?” She said she had, especially over the last couple of months. This all happened in a couple of months?! “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. Her response? She didn’t want to upset me with it. I can see why she was being so kind, because it HAS upset me!

I started thinking about how this might possibly have happened. Now, wifey noticed it within the last couple of months, so that would put the onset of notice-ability at around March. I finished my radiation treatments for prostate cancer in February. A-HA! Clearly the prostate has a direct connection to the hair upon one’s head, and the radiation traveled through that prostate-scalp hair nerve, in turn causing my hair to thin. It was yet another unpleasant side effect of radiotherapy.

Hey – it could happen! They say there are spots on your feet that affect a variety of organs, so why can’t this be a thing, too? Huh?

The ugly truth? Just look at this! 

Shocking, I know. Now I must weigh my options. Do I join Hair Club For Men?  Color it in with a permanent marker? What color marker should I use? Should I just shave my head to hide my shame? Oh me, oh my. 

To make matters worse, it isn't even in the middle of my head. It appears to be off-center. Now, those are some messed-up genes there.

I can’t wait to see what the next exciting thing being sixty brings!